The other day I got a call from a dear friend of mine to join her in an assignment on a meditation retreat in Mexico. I was being asked to care for individuals with Parkinson’s and Multiple Sclerosis who had signed up to participate alone in the retreat but needed extra care.
I hesitated. She needed to know my answer by the next day. The next day!
It was short notice and as a mother and psychologist, my responsibilities go toward my children and clients first. My mind spiraled. Am I going to this event to feed my ego? Am I letting everyone else down to help others I don’t even know? Will my kids hate me because I will be apart for so many days? Will my clients think I am letting them down with my absence? I lost sleep that night trying to figure out if going was the right decision (and I don’t typically lose sleep anymore).
I worked through it, I applied Heart Focusing Breathing techniques from HeartMath. I knew in my heart I had to go but I had my reservations based on what I have mentioned before. My dear friend has a sharp tongue and put everything in perspective in a matter of seconds with her response, “Eva, this is not about you. This is bigger than you and me. These are people who are putting their faith to heal their bodies from autoimmune diseases that their doctors have given up hope on them. This is about a bigger, greater purpose to help them on that journey to healing.” How can you say no to that?!
I didn’t tell anyone about my decision until the flight was booked the next day.
As I expected, I got the comments from others that circled in my mind that night before:
- Mom guilt: “But what about the kids? How can you leave them for another week? What will they do without you?”
- Work guilt: “Are you going to get paid? What about all of your expenses? What about your clients?”
- Pendeja guilt/ too much of do-gooder guilt: “You’re going to another country for someone you don’t even know? I mean, I do good deeds but they are asking a lot of you. Aren’t you being taken advantage of?”
- Cynicism guilt: “Are you being sucked into some kind of cult? They’re not brainwashing you are they?”
Had I not done the inner work and gotten clear on my decision, I would have been swayed by all of those comments.
I have gone on three of these retreats in the past where I cultivated my inner healing and connected to expanding my heart and allowing calmness to take over. However, attending the retreat as a caregiver was possibly one of the most emotional, empowering, awe-inspiring weeks of my life. A week on these retreats seems like a lifetime. So incredible yet so credible because of their effort and razor-sharp motivation to break free from limiting beliefs. People opened up to me about their struggles in life, their lack of self-worth, and their quest for self-love. It reminded me why I do what I do and how I can be of service in many ways outside of the clinical office.
I share this experience with you because we all struggle from time to time with how to be there for everyone we love when there is a finite amount of us to give.
When we take the time to decide what is best for us, it will inevitably be the best for everyone else. I trusted that my children would be well taken care of. I trusted in my clinical judgment of my clients’ need to reach out if they needed me and in their capacity to handle difficulties during that week with the work we had already done. I trusted in my clinical practice to know it was okay to go.
My decisions highlighted the best of everyone’s capabilities without my presence instead of doubting their capacity to do well without me. I trusted that it wouldn’t be perfect, but it would be good enough. This culminated in the antithesis of the perfectionist multi-tasker. To finally stop grasping to be available to everyone at all times all the while never really being present and instead, fully diving into one experience without the distraction of guilt and remorse to come back stronger, more centered, and ready to deal with what’s to come.
If you often find yourself struggling with internal conflicts, join the PIE group, because we all know life can seem like you’re living on a hamster wheel, the faster life goes, the more you put on your plate and less balance you have over life.