The holiday season brings up our opinions on giving and receiving – in the literal sense of material gifts and the nuances of its etiquette – Who do we buy presents for? What makes us choose them over other people in our life? How much do we spend on them? Are we expecting anything in return? Do we announce what we want? How do we feel when others send us their gift list? How do we feel when we receive a present or don’t receive anything at all? Gratitude and worthiness are two peas in a pod and gift-giving season if you participate in it, is a measure of your ego and self-worth on steroids.
Gratitude is a topic everyone grapples with on one level or another, perfectionists, in particular, have a difficult time both with receiving and giving. The levels of gratitude mentioned below isn’t scientifically proven, but some observations of the process people endure on their journey from perfectionism and judgment to self-compassion and flow.
- Not having it at all: Gratitude is whitewashed as saying “thank you”. It is transactional.
- There’s an incessant, permeating, stenchy hyperfocus on everything going wrong, badly, problematic. Slight to no awareness of anything going well in life.
- There can also be an air of entitlement or quid pro quo, “I deserve this gift, this favor, this act because of who I am” part of being me is that people do nice things for me, regardless of my actions towards anyone else. Acts of kindness, blessings, and benevolence of life experiences are taken for granted.
- Lastly, an emphasis on responsibility and obligation. “I must do things for other people because I am indebted to their actions towards me.”
- Surprised by others’ generosity: Every time something works out in your favor or someone does something nice for you, you are so shocked that your eyes well up in tears.
- There’s a sense of disbelief. Why would someone go out of their way for me? Is this for real or what’s the catch? The idea that you just may be worth it doesn’t even cross your mind. If you pray or meditate, you thank your higher powers with a tone requesting permission to bask in gratitude, perhaps focusing more on your mistakes rather than your essence.
- There may be a sense of guilt. What did I do to deserve this? Maybe there’s been a mistake.
- Accepting it as is: After many experiences of giving and *receiving*, you begin to wonder, hey maybe life isn’t meant to be judged or criticized so much. Maybe life is meant to be enjoyed by being happy and acting in ways that add joy to others’ lives. Receiving is highlighted here because for many people, giving is easier. You’re in full control of how generous or stingy you want to be and towards whom. With receiving, it’s a vulnerable spot that highlights your ability to trust others and your awareness of your self-worth.
- Recognizing your self-worth: The notion that you have the endless power to create happiness within you and that by doing so, you radiate love, calm, joy, and stability in your life and those around you is breathtaking. It’s not that this epiphany makes you better than anyone else, it just adds to your quality of life, thereby increasing the quality of life of those in relationships with you. And, boundaries tend to be (I say tend to be because it’s not a direct line) observed, and when not, you can assess where your actions are again in the gratitude gradient – am I doing this to get something out of it, and if yes, what exactly? Assess and reassess, connect to your heart as well as your analytical mind.
- Living in gratitude: Acts of kindness, of giving, and of receiving become embedded in your life that you don’t stop to think anymore about how you can return a favor or how someone else owes you one. When you live in gratitude, your mood is higher, your overall health improves, and you build resilient relationships based on mutual trust and enjoyment.
- Oneness consciousness: This one is the ultimate goal. The realization that we are all interconnected. The idea that we are separated dissolves and we embody what it means to be united with everything and everyone around us. We keep the ego at bay and begin to see how we have lived in duality good/bad and start to dissolve some of it to see things more for how they are without so much judgment or fear and without so much praise and entitlement. We begin to embody graciousness and gratitude to embark on the work of understanding our inner worlds and see that even our enemies have something to teach us about ourselves that needs tending to. It’s a life lived with less drama and more purpose.
To learn more about Gratitude as a Perfectionist, click here.