Remember the famous scene in Jerry Maguire when Tom Hanks tells Renee Zellewegger “you complete me”? Maybe some of you relished in the thought that a special someone exists to fill in all of our missing parts. Well, even though that belief is inexplicably wrong, toxic, and codependent, many people still subscribe to the idea. 

Some socially-prescribed perfectionists can get involved in these types of rocky love relationships because they tend to hyper-focus on mistakes, are highly self-critical, and are doubtful of their performance in comparison to others. Therefore, they can believe that through their relationship with a better person they can improve. 

Social anxiety and frequent comparison traps prevail in a perfectionist’s life.

They often believe that everyone is highly demanding and ruthlessly judge them for anything deemed subpar. Feeling like nothing they ever do is good enough creates inner turmoil and difficulty acting like themselves with others. This can create arguments where problems don’t really exist, missing out on outings and fun activities out of fear of being ridiculed, and creating unjust assumptions.  Socially prescribed perfectionists struggle with all or nothing thinking and this can put pressure on their partner to agree with them erratically or blindly despite the consequences or their true feelings about whatever the point of contention is. 

Being in a relationship with someone who is often cynical of others’ intentions can be exhausting.

At first, partners of this type of perfectionist believe that they can save them from the irrational idea that they are flawed. They may spend years struggling to convince themselves that they aren’t as bad as they think they are or that their mistakes are not a life sentence. 

Someone with socially-prescribed perfectionism may be wary of others’ judgments of them, yet be highly complacent and submissive to the extent that they seem incredibly nice and cool on the outside. Seeing this in action and later listening to them complain about lack of time, difficulty ending conversations, or feeling used by others can be hard on the partner. Telling them to stand up for themselves and set boundaries usually goes nowhere. 

Struggles faced by the perfectionist and their partner.

Also, given that a tell-tale sign of a perfectionist is to seem perfect on the outside, most people outside of the relationship wouldn’t believe the struggles faced by the perfectionist and also their partner in helping them cope. Further, because so much is masked, socially-prescribed perfectionists may have a smaller social circle to rely on, beyond their romantic partner.  This can add further strain on the relationship if they believe that it is the partner’s responsibility to complete them and make all of their insecurities disappear. It’s only when each individual in the relationship decides to disentangle responsibilities of each other’s well-being that either can flourish and face their insecurities regarding their sense of belonging and being good enough. 

If you’re in love with a perfectionist, what do you do? Click here.