What is the inner child and does it really exist?

For many adults, admitting that they have one, let alone talking about their inner child can be embarrassing and/or off-putting. What do you mean inner child? Are you calling me childish and immature? Forget you. Those reactions- of embarrassment and insult are typically part of the inner child because, if we were to look at situations that “hurt” or bother us for what they were through the lens of an adult, we essentially, wouldn’t categorize them as situations that hurt or bother us, because we would be able to see them for what they are. 

So, let’s clear some things up. 

• We all have an inner child, and we all react from this perspective at one or many points in our life regardless of how much therapy, insight, and awareness we have or how delightful our childhood was.

• Does admitting that you have an inner child or that you are reacting from the inner child part of you give you a pass to be an obnoxious adult throwing a temper tantrum? No.

• Does admitting that you have an inner child mean that you are immature? No.

• Does acting from our inner child mean that we are always living in the past? Not necessarily.

To summarize, we all have a childhood where we pick up on life lessons in one way or another. From the innocuous bunch like table manners and how to tie our shoes to the more impactful sort like how we handle finances, how we think is the “right way” to show our love and affection towards others, which religious practices are proper and which not so much, etc. 

A whole deeper meaning to the inner child. 

The innocuous bunch can take on if, for example, you were taught that having table manners meant that your parents didn’t reprimand you the way they yelled at your sibling for “…being a total slob who no one will ever marry because they are so obese and disgusting” so you tried your best to hold the fork properly to receive accolades instead or at least avoid being reprimanded. Or that having table manners meant that you were treated with respect and patience while your parents thoughtfully took their time to teach you how to hold the utensils while you talked about each other’s day during dinnertime. 

Another example like learning to tie your shoelaces can take on a different meaning if you had to learn how from your friend at school because your parents didn’t dedicate the time to teach you for whatever reasons that exist. You have consequently felt either incredibly proud that you figured it out or supported by your friends or unworthy because you were made fun of at school. 

Interactions such as these impact us in many ways that we carry with us from childhood throughout adulthood.

Some memories are stored deep in our unconscious that we don’t realize why some things trigger us the way that they do for better or for worse. Some memories aren’t even directly related to us but instead related to how we saw adults in our life manage daily activities. For example, think back on how the adults in your life dealt with not having enough or too much food or material goods. How did they show affection? How did you know you were loved and cared for? Did you feel loved growing up? Did you feel like your life was scheduled or things changed on the fly? Did you have a say on how your life went or you were to be seen and not heard? 

Essentially, what we’re thinking about is your feeling stability, loved, cared for, and needs to be met. We carry these feelings with us throughout our life and we tend to find people in our life that make us feel the same way we felt growing up, at least at first unknowingly. We get comfortable feeling uncomfortable and feel like this is what life is all about.