“Your perception of me is a reflection of you; my reaction to you is an awareness of me.”

This is one of my all-time favorite quotes. How you view me says more about your worldview than my inherent qualities. How I react to you is a testament to how much insight I have into my triggers. Perfectionists use perfectionism as a coping skill to soothe and tend to their inner child. We were taught at some point early on that if we weren’t perfect at x,y,z, or all of the above, then we were considered subpar and bad things would happen to us.

The perfectionist, therefore, has a raging and excited inner child bursting at its seams, it seems because early on, the typical reactions of a child were shunned or forced to settle down for the sake of the greater good. This means that for many individuals with perfectionism who do not participate in self-reflection, their awareness of what bothers them and why is kind of like when you flash a light beam at a mirror- it just bounces back.

At the beginning of inner work

They believe that what bothers them has everything to do with the other person and that if the other person changed, everything would be fine again. They lack theory of mind – the ability to understand and take into account another individual’s mental state or of “mind-reading”. Perfectionists may think they are great at mind-reading and predicting the future, but the problem lies in that their predilection is towards their worldview with the exception of anyone else’s. 

A perfectionist’s inner child is that combination of a fun-loving Freebird and an apprehensive uber-organized minion trying to steer clear from any trouble. Making amends with these two is life-changing and necessary to heal relationships with others and most importantly with the person themself. I notice that many perfectionists can come off aloof, condescending, or clicky to others. While others may perceive them this way, the perfectionist actually yearns to be included and is quite sensitive to criticism or judgment, feeling left out and alone. Other perfectionists tend to act in the other extreme, overly friendly and giving to a similar detriment as regardless of how much they give, they believe that their social circle is dependent on their actions and not their self-worth. All of these triggers reflect an inner child that doubts their place in this world for who they are regardless of what they do. 

Insight-oriented work helps integrate the inner child into the adult’s life.

Taking a nonjudgmental approach also guides the individual to accept when feelings come up and are being triggered without feeling “dumb, immature, stupid” for feeling them. When we learn to integrate our inner child with other parts of our mental world, more things make sense and we feel less stuck to move through difficult situations. 

To learn more about your inner child, click here.