As perfectionists, we fear wasting time

It’s why we do so much in the first place, to avoid wasting time later and falling behind. Behind what? I don’t know. Some God forsook fantastical schedule where we are behind this imaginary version of ourselves who is done with all tasks and has accomplished all goals ever to be imagined. It’s why multi-tasking is a skill many perfectionists don like a medal of honor. It’s why perfectionists also bemoan that there are limits to the amount of time they can spend polishing the details only they can see. 

Who created this version of us? 

I believe someone long ago must have retorted with a snarky comment to some accomplishment we gushed over. “That’s it? That’s all you have to show for yourself? You would have gotten so much more done if you weren’t dilly daddling all this time.” And off we went deflated, dumbfounded, and probably embarrassed that this amazing feat was nothing but garbage. 

These comments, repeated over time, send us the message that we were not using our time wisely. Simultaneously, someone important was really disappointed in us. We take these comments as truths to live by. Disappointing a caretaker is the worst offense a child can ever commit. That’s why kids start off trying their best to please their caregivers. Some children grow frustrated and throw tantrums when nothing they do gets them the pat on the back. 

In their own way, they are fighting for approval. Others are wise beyond their years and realize a wide disconnect between their works of art and their parents’ unreasonable requests for perfection. So they ignore their parents’ criticism, yet deep down wish to be liked and valued by them.

It comes full circle

However, unbeknownst to the child, that caregiver probably heard the same message growing up. They might’ve even come to that conclusion after not reaching the goals they set for themselves. Instead of focusing on ways to deal with their disappointment, they took it out on the little kid to help the child avoid making the same mistakes or just to darn right blow off steam and project their insecurities onto the child instead of working on their issues. 

Fast forward to now, that little kid is you, and you’re an adult. And if you’re reading this post, possibly a parent. You’re looking for ways out of this miserable rat race and avoid taping the contestant’s number on your child’s back. 

Even though it is so enticing, never have social comparisons been so strong, so blatant. You’re no longer competing with the Jones’s. You’re competing with the world and their mother on Instagram and Facebook. 

When it comes to our children, our fear that they waste time is huge and, in some instances, well-founded. Research has shown that some of our children have fallen months behind academic milestones, given the effects of ill-suited online learning. Despite the pandemic, there’s a fine balance between letting kids be kids and providing ample opportunities to learn and review subjects that they should know by now. 

Can we focus on the here and now?

Many parents find themselves in this conundrum. “How can I push my kids to succeed without feeling like they are never quite caught up?” I often hear. I think it’s important to be realistic. Children need grit, tenacity, self-esteem, and curiosity to solve problems and succeed.

Can you start by being okay with where you are in life, despite having desires to move beyond this level? Can you offer your child a window to what’s available and feed their curiosity for the future without implicating that they are misfits or lazy if they don’t do more? When it stops being about an inherent personality trait (fixed mindset) and starts being about the discovery process, children are more apt to try and learn along than if their fixed traits determine their chances.

Click here to read more about the effects perfectionism in parenting can have on our children.