“At its root, perfectionism isn’t really about a deep love of being meticulous. It’s about fear. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of disappointing others. Fear of failure. Fear of success.”  -Michael Law

Perfectionists are terrified of making mistakes.

Making a mistake as a perfectionist is considered a significant blow to the ego. Perfectionists’ ethos is “shoulda, coulda, woulda knew better” regardless of their age, level of expertise, and time practicing new skills. It is as if the learning curve that applies to every being in this world doesn’t register for someone with perfectionism issues. 

This defense mechanism usually begins very early in childhood. Many scenarios in a child’s life can lead to a fear of making mistakes. An experience with a significant other, be it caregiver or not, occurred when the child was reprimanded for making a mistake. They may have perceived the punishment so severe that they made a vow -ever make that same or any mistake again to avoid this degree of suffering from ever happening in the future.

Observations about mistakes as a child.

Children could also learn from a seemingly benign response from their parents, such as, “I’ll do this for you, so it looks right.” Parents who overprotect their children and do all tasks for them send a nonverbal message that their way is better and that the child isn’t capable of completing assignments independently. The fear isn’t so much in the mistake, and it lies in fearing not being loved or accepted by the important people in the child’s life. 

Children are constantly taking in cues from their environment and learning the ropes of life from their caregivers. The child may have witnessed their parents making rash decisions that negatively impacted their safety, comfort, well-being. Or, on the contrary, the child saw how their parents berated themselves each time they made mistakes. These examples create a certain level of anxiety within the child, and a subsequent belief system is designed, “To be loved and accepted, I must be perfect. To be perfect means to circumnavigate unexpected drama because I will be in control of the outcome.” 

Mistakes are part of life.

As the child grows up, it’s almost like there is a timestamp to permit making mistakes. Adults, remember, mistakes are part of life, no matter how old you are. We grow from them if we take them in as teachable moments. When you feel like a mistake is a rub in the nose for your poor judgment, try to pause to recognize, this is a belief system- dragged from many years ago, not a truth. Separating what is taught can help you react in the present moment and extricate the learning lesson from a seemingly difficult situation. 

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