Anything that seems out of line is wrong

Oftentimes, the other parent feels like they always fall short of the perfectionist’s expectations and nothing they do is ever good enough. They may feel minimized, misunderstood, not taken seriously. If you’ve been following up on perfectionism, you know that feeling not good enough, high and unrealistic expectations, fear of change and of losing control, and catastrophic future tripping are fundamental and daily concerns for the perfectionist. It’s no wonder that they project these unwanted feelings and character traits unto others, without even realizing it. The non-perfectionist parent is unaware that they project their issues as well.

Co-parenting with a perfectionist (whether you’re married to them or not) can be quite a doozy of an experience. Bills paid on time. Exquisite meal options are always on the menu. Parties planned and executed with all the trimmings. Gifts are tactful and perfectly chosen.

but…

You often hear comparisons, “Why can’t you be more organized like so and so? Should we ask them how they seem to figure it out?” Complaints masked under constructive criticism such as, “If you would have put him to bed an hour ago instead of flipping through Instagram, he wouldn’t be screaming bloody murder right now. Didn’t you read the articles I sent you on the latest parenting research? Should I email them again?” You’ll hear a symphony of low pitched murmurs when you can’t find your keys, high pitched huffs and puffs each time you leave the wet towel on the floor, crescendoing into a barrage of “this is a pigsty and I can’t live like this anymore!”  Your misplaced sneakers can be lost forever to Goodwill. Decisions will be questioned to the last detail until you wonder why you thought you had a say in the first place. Your closet will be perfectly color coordinated and any T-shirt deemed unwearable will turn into window cleaning rags. Pillow fights? Teaching violence. Staying up a bit past bedtime to finish a movie? Poor sleep hygiene. Eating sweets for Sunday breakfast? Cavities and root canals. Anything that seems out of line is wrong.

When it’s always wrong, where to go from here? When parents are polar opposites of each other it really behooves them to decide – are we going to try to meet midway or will it always be a win-lose game? It’s helpful if each individual recognizes how their internal struggles are displaced unto others. Different doesn’t necessarily mean bad. Children will learn from each parent their strengths and weaknesses. Instead of trying to change one another, what would co-parenting look like if you highlighted and revered each others’ strengths and took full accountability for your own drawbacks?

Warning: this post references the day-to-day differences, not to extreme actions that involve any sort of abuse or neglect.