How can you break free from toxic conformity? 

When you realize you’ve had enough, as someone once told me- “it’s time to start peeling the layers of the onion,” you are faced with the next challenge – where in the world to begin?? I won’t pretend to tell you that I have all the answers. I can share with you what I’ve done, but many do the stark opposite. They make fake changes. In another blog, I will share with you some things that have worked for me and for others. 

Byproducts of toxic conformity look like you’re making changes, but really, you’re digging yourself deeper into the hole. For example, multitasking. You want to learn something new, so let’s cram it into the original schedule so it’s like change is happening but life looks exactly the same! Yes, you can do two things at once, as long as neither requires high levels of focus, like driving and listening to Audible. You can only do this if you know where you’re going or it’s not downpouring, as driving has become a somewhat automatic activity. You can’t really apply this to other parts of life that require full-on attention – like being in mom-mode while working.

When others advise parents that spending quality time with their kids also can look like working on a project while they are playing nearby or watching TV, it bothers me. I don’t know about you, but if I am concentrating on writing this blog, any comment about Lego’s or math problems really throw me off. And if I’m struggling to understand Common Core Math, I am not focusing on writing a cohesive paragraph. Or when someone suggests having your glass of wine in the shower so you can relax and cleanse at once because God knows there’s no way your child will ever let you have a chill moment unless you lock yourself in the bathroom. These suggestions promote toxic conformity. 

Another byproduct? Refusing help. Our society loves the independent, strong woman/man. Need to lose weight? Somewhere you heard cutting carbs works, let’s try that. Heartbroken? Let’s read the latest posts on IG. A child struggling at school? Let’s make charts and talk to the teachers. Have trouble sleeping? Make some chamomile tea. I’m not hating on tea drinkers or chart lovers (I really dislike reward charts). I, too, am guilty of doing everything in my power to do it alone until I crash and burn out. 

We romanticize the self-made wo/man as if they did it all on their own start to finish. Can we be real? We all need help to get everything done. Many of us struggled with virtual schooling last year because we never thought we would have the kids back at home while we were working, cleaning, cooking, teaching all day since they started Pre-K. Can we please drop the guilty feelings about needing help to get life rolling? Can we blur the roles a bit in the family dynamics so that it doesn’t all fall on one person to keep everything up to speed? Sometimes, you need to ask others who have dedicated their careers to the problem you need solving for help and then take it upon yourself to act on their guidance. 

Fake positivity/spirituality

A few years ago, I remember I was told that I needed to apologize to my ex-husband because, in another life, I was abusive to him. I also remember feeling quite angry about that because I was at the beginning of my healing, very much in my ego and very little in understanding that realm of understanding life. It’s an interesting idea. Spirituality adds zest to meaning. 

Fake positivity is like, “Yeah, everything is fine, it’s not a big deal, only focus on the positives! Nothing gets in my way of success and happiness!” I remember listening to the current Dalai Lama give a talk and even he remarked how he occasionally gets angry. I was flabbergasted. If this happy zen dude can get angry, then so can I! “Bad” feelings like overwhelm, sadness, anger, frustration, jealousy, are not bad. They are telling us something just like happiness and gratitude. The idea isn’t to pretend they’re not felt, the idea is how long do you choose to stay feeling them?  (Studies show that the physiological lifespan of a feeling only lasts 90 seconds – it’s our thoughts that keep it rockin’). 

So, if you find yourself participating in these byproducts and you’re expecting change, it may happen, but at a much slower arduous pace. If you’d like to learn about more effective means of change, check out my next blog.