While in session with a teen the other day, he expressed in desperation and sadness that his parents call him the black sheep of the family. His views on many aspects of life are very different from his parents and consequently, the family is struggling. While he’s been trying to figure out who he is and where he fits in, he feels marginalized by the two people, who in theory, should love him unconditionally. It got me thinking about other children and teens who express similar feelings – “I am a disgrace to my parents.” It got me thinking about the adults I see in therapy who states, “I should be ashamed of myself for who I am because it’s not who they want me to be.”  For being messy. For being a dreamer instead of a doer. For being gay. For following another religion, political views, COVID beliefs, for marrying someone outside of their inner circle. 

For being different. 

We feel this description of “black sheep” early on. Some of us cope with becoming the obnoxiously self-righteous goody-two-shoes and don the costume of perfectionist over the black sheepskin. Some of us rebel and spray as much shine to the fur. “Oh, so you’re going to call me the troublemaker, the disgraceful one? Let me show you how good I can play that role.” Either way, both are disguises, but for the sake of this post, I want to focus on the perfectionist. 

Perfectionists seem like they have it all together on the outside, yet most of us are riled in anguish on the inside. Perfectionists seem to go along with the mainstream, but the extremity of their fervor hints at a subversive belief system that’s just brimming to the surface. It’s typically pushed right back down with the weight of the ball and chain. The inner monologue goes something like this. “If I show them how I really feel I will lose them. What is worth more? Losing the tangible, real people in my life or the idea of something different that I haven’t concretized yet? What if this idea is a total hoax and I lose out on everything? Forget it, let’s get back to the details of what I, objects, people, need perfecting.” 

What am I doing with my life?

Who needs to focus on a failed marriage when you can spend ten minutes balancing an off-center painting? Who needs to deal with the “what am I doing with my life?” question when instead, you can spend hours organizing pyrexes and cursing Rubbermaid under your breath for including an oval container in the pack when the rest are rectangular or circular. No, but seriously, what were they thinking?? 

The reality is that when we hyperfocus on the details, we avoid dealing with the real question- how do I get out of this toxic conformity?  Somehow, we can deal with a life that depreciates in value but we can’t live with a not perfectly stackable bunch of containers. 

Perfectionists try so hard to fit in. 

Perfectionists try so hard to fit in and do right by everyone because we feel responsible for being the black sheep. Not because we are a disgrace, but because we are misunderstood. Maybe, if we’re perfect enough, we’ll stop being a nuisance. The problem, if you want to call it that, doesn’t lie in us, or on them- it lies in the expectation that everyone should agree and stay on the same course. The white sheep people, if you want to go with that,  are so afraid of stepping out of their comfort zone that it’s simpler (yet more painful and complicated) to push anyone that is different to the ends of their emotional world. That’s when it becomes a major problem. 

Great little kids grow up hating themselves: cutting their bodies, using drugs to numb pain, overachieving to the point of burning out in school and afterschool sports, hating their bodies to the point of starvation or vomiting, engaging with others who do not have their best interest in mind. Somehow, taking it out on themselves makes more sense than trying to come to an understanding that there is a difference in thought and neither one is going to conform just to make the other happy. Because, as kids, we look for guidance in the adults in our life. And, if the adults in our life revere fear more than their allegiance to their offspring, kids are in for a whirlwind of shame and guilt. 

Some people have the guts to step out and own their true selves. Some don’t.

Regardless of the situation, it’s not easy. In therapy with adults, we work on reframing our relationships with our inner circle. When we work on accepting ourselves fully- even the imperfect parts that we’ve been told to shun. We begin to play with the idea that we can very much love family and friends and not necessarily like them, and that the feeling can be mutual. This detaches us from the way it should be to the way that it is and begin to live in reality, not in expectations. Learning that being a black sheep is not a disgrace. It’s freedom. 

Catch my Facebook Live about The Fear Of Being The Black Sheep Here.